You should never feel guilty for making healthy life choices. A true story inspired by real life events in the office lunch room.
It’s cake day at the office, dinner at the in-laws, a birthday party, a housewarming party, a hurray its finally the god damn weekend party. Whatever the occasion, there is bound to be cake and people trying to force it upon you. When you politely decline, the inevitable happens….your “friends” jump all over you, questioning why you won’t shovel that mound of delicious whip-creamy self-hatred into your body. You spend the next 15 minutes defending yourself to a room of people spouting comments like “live a little”, “you don’t need to lose weight”, “you’re always on a diet”, “what’s life without cake?”
Well, my friends, I will tell you what life without cake is.
Life without cake is just fine because eating that cake is just not worth it to me. I am not on a diet, I am not restricting my calories, I am not miserable or unhappy with my life choices. Eating that gross white flour, fake cherry filled piece of garbage mini-mart cake will not help me feel like I am “living life to the fullest.” I should not have to come up with a list of bizarre excuses as to why I am not eating the cake, I’m just not, so fuck right off already.
I choose to eat other things, things that will be beneficial to my health and performance goals even though sometimes, what I eat tastes like a gym sock. While the naysayers nag you for not eating cake, know that it is because they are envious of your dedication to health and that your willpower is something to be envied. Your willpower is a reflection of their failed willpower, that makes people feel shitty about themselves and you are inevitably the scapegoat.
So, what can you do to get these nasty cake hoovers off your back?
Here are some tips for battling the haters:
1. Get better friends.
OK, so you can’t really control your co-workers or your family, but you can control your friends. Surround yourself with like minded people. Find a community that supports your goals and people who share similar interests. You don’t want to spend your days defending your choices.
2. Shine bright like a diamond.
Others will be jealous of your determination, don’t let those jelly bitches stomp out your light. Sometimes people get nervous that your light will outshine theirs, even your closest friends or your spouse. Rather than getting defensive, try encouraging them to get on the healthy diet train with you. If you can be healthy together, maybe they won’t feel as threatened.
3. Claim a detrimental illness.
No one questions a serious illness right? Tell people you have a gluten or wheat intolerance and that if you eat it you will DIE. OK, a little too dramatic maybe. Just explain to the haters that you feel much better when you abstain from eating certain foods. That eating cake is not worth the terrible stomach ache or congestion that comes along with it, people are more understanding of health concerns than weight issues.
4. Wooden leg approach.
Pretend you have a wooden leg and walk out of the room with a limp. No one will question it.
5. Make a backhanded joke.
“Are you going to have a piece of cake or are you on a silly diet AGAIN?” – hater. “I was thinking about it, but then I caught a glimpse of your physique and thought, nah, better not.” – you
6. Offer up your bounty.
Offer to make a healthy dessert for the next gathering, maybe a delicious paleo brownie option. You will get the stink face from your co-workers but you will make it and they WILL like it.
7. Haters gonna hate.
Lets be serious here, these people are hating on your dedication to living a healthy lifestyle. They will come up with a million excuses as to why they can’t do what you do when in the back of their mind they are just wishing they could make the commitment. Stick to your guns…cause like our gal pal T-Swizzle always says “the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.”
So, the next time you face a sticky situation where people are harassing you because of your diet, I hope you will feel well equipped to deal with it. Just pretend you have a wooden leg and walk on outta there! #noquestionsasked