Lifestyle, Humour, Health & Mindset

A New Kind of Reso

I hate to be the most predictable blogger on the planet, writing the inevitable new year resolution post, but I just can’t help myself. In the world of health, fitness, nutrition and exercise, it’s all about goal setting, and what better time of year to set out some new goals than the new year!

I would like to point out that one in three North Americans set new years resolutions and less than 30% of those who do, actually achieve them. These are some pretty disheartening statistics when you think about it, the majority of humans cannot achieve a simple goal. Maybe that is the problem, maybe our goals are just too simple. I am not sure of the statistics for China…but lets be serious here, I bet they have a resolution success rate of at least 80%. Common people, lets focus.

6781d350-8f73-11e4-91a2-5b7cf9539efa_New-Years-ResolutionsAmong the most popular resolutions, according to are, lose weight, quit smoking, save money, reduce stress, cut out alcohol and get more sleep. Pretty legit if you ask me, people want to be healthier…end of story. So, what can we do to make these resolutions into a wondrous reality?

Very serious tips to achieving your new year resolutions:
(Disclaimer, the last resolution I achieved was in 1995, I was 9 years old)

1. Set massive unrealistic goals – We all know the saying, “shoot for the stars and land on the moon” – spot on my friends, spot on.  It’s best to pick enormous, unattainable goals that you will most likely not achieve. This way, when you fail miserably you will still have some pretty decent skills to cling to. Don’t bother with low hanging fruit and goals that you will actually accomplish, we are not here to pad the resolution statistics, we are here to be bamf’s. Can’t do a pull-up…shoot for a muscle up. Need to lose 10lbs, shoot for 30lbs. Need to get more sleep, shoot for 14 hours. This will work, its the aim high, land low approach to life.

2. Make non-specific resolutions – Instead of worrying about the details of your resolutions, its best to just set out generic loose goals. If you have fewer specifics to worry about, you are less likely to fail. A great generic goal would be: eat healthier. Now, if you set a specific goal such as: cut out sugar….you are likely to fail. But when you say eat healthier, you are being flexible, you could cut out just one single doughnut for the year and BOOM, goal achieved. The key to resolution success isn’t REALLY about becoming better versions of ourselves, its about not being a failure.

no-resolve3. Set a shit ton of goals – Instead of setting out your usual three to five new year resolutions, I say, set at least 15. That’s too many you say? How have your past resolutions worked out….I thought so. The best way to make sure you achieve those resolutions is to take a blitzkrieg approach to goal setting. Set out 15-25 goals that you would like to accomplish and get after them. Amongst the utter chaos of all your goals, the chances that you will achieve them all is slim to none, but the chances that you might actually achieve one is half decent.

4. Keep your resolutions a secret – Don’t bother with public declarations about your resolutions, it will be that much more deflating if you don’t succeed. Who needs accountability, you are the captain of your ship, hold yourself accountable. And if you do in fact fail, its ok, you can just lie about what your actual resolutions were and no body will be the wiser.

5. Hang out with bad influences – The best way to feel fucking awesome about yourself is to hang out with people who will try and coerce you into terrible situations. You want to quit smoking, then your best option is to hang out with smokers. When you do successfully quit for a week or two, you can rub it in their face and feel great about yourself. The joy you receive from making others feel shame will totally keep you on track. You want to drink alcohol less frequently, hang out with friends that drink daily. You will then come to the realization that drinking on weekends is much better than drinking daily, and once again, success. You will feel happy about yourself while simultaneously reaching your goal of drinking less….than your alcoholic friends.

896i27F5479DF9E9566E6. Guilt and shame work wonders – The worse you feel about yourself and your accomplishments the better. The best strategy to achieving your resolutions is to fall off the wagon instantaneously and then berate yourself for being the worst. Nothing will motivate you more than the shame and embarrassment you place on yourself. After you fail and hit rock bottom, even the smallest accomplishment will make you feel great. Like I said before…aim high, land low.

So, lets go over these VERY SERIOUS new years resolutions quickly.

Don’t set realistic and attainable goals, don’t make specific goals, don’t set a few solid goals but instead set a shit ton of unlikely to achieve goals, don’t tell anyone who may hold you accountable your goals, don’t hang out with positive influencers with habits you admire and last but not least don’t bother with having a positive attitude and outlook towards your goals, negativity breeds success.

Happy New Year and good luck in 2015!!!

Oh, and one of my new years resolutions this year is to blog more frequently, less sarcastically and actually write posts about nutrition. Starting right….meow. What are your resolutions????

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