I often wonder if I will ever make it in the real-life world.
I spend most of my days just pretending. Just 100% faking my way through every day of life questioning my ability to function as a human being.
Things I pretend on a daily basis:
I pretend that I like waking up early to exercise because I know it’s a good life choice…in reality, I hate it.
I pretend that I know how to put an outfit together. But do I really know? Does this outfit even go together at all? Is this a shirt…or a dress? I’m just gonna pretend it’s a dress. #nopantsever
I pretend that I floss. My dentist always knows that I don’t floss by the way my gums immediately bleed though.
I pretend that I can drive. I mean…I technically CAN drive, but should I actually be allowed? Sometimes I get the brake and the gas mixed up and just close my eyes and hope my foot lands on the correct pedal. Dear friends, i’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner.
I pretend I know what I am doing at work. I just pretend to know things and sometimes people believe what I say. Apparently if you act smart, people sometimes think you’re smart. Does everyone do this, or am I the only one?
I pretend to care about work. Sometimes I look around and I am like…wow, you people really care about your jobs. I mean, I care. I care that I am employed…so I can pay for life, my gym membership, and food.
I pretend that I am not hungry all the time. Sometimes people say things like “I forgot to eat”. Let me tell you something…I have never once in my life forgotten to eat. When I finish my breakfast in the morning, I get really sad. But normal humans don’t think about food all day…soo, I pretend.
I pretend to clean. I don’t know how to clean properly…I mostly just stuff things into crevasses and hope no one ever finds it. If I find a bug in my house, I just trap it under something and hope the issue deals with itself.
These are just SOME of the things I pretend on a regular basis, but I could actually go on for days.
From what I can tell, being a grown-up is not a treat and does not interest me. By some miracle though, I have made it this far in life and even appear on the exterior, to kind of have my shit together. I mean, someone gave me a job, and a pet, and lent me hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy a house?!
As an adult, I feel there are certain expectations.
At some point, we are apparently supposed to care about gardening and should be able to carry on a conversation about plants. Guess what? I don’t care for plants. I literally can barely keep myself alive and I am expected to keep a plant alive? A co-worker bought me a cactus—it died. However, I commend you on your dedication to manual labour and the ability to keep things alive.
Group cooking skills.
Apparently as adults we should be able to host guests and provide them with meals, on real plates, with matching cutlery that is not stolen from the office staff room. This seems like a lot. I am so lazy in fact that I scramble my eggs in the pan. Like, who in the world would scramble their eggs in a separate bowl then pour the eggs into the pan. Not a chance…never gonna happen. I also eat most of my meals out of a family size plastic bowl. So, there’s that.
As we age we are supposed to like wine. I know, many of you reading this will be appalled. But, I just can’t get on board. Wine tastes terrible. I honestly just don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol really. You know what I like…eating a jar of peanut butter with a spoon. If someone invited me to a fucking peanut butter and jam eating party, holy shit, count me in. But a ladies wine night…not for me. I’m probably busy, at home, eating peanut butter out of a jar, or taking a nap.
I just don’t have time for car maintenance. Oh…that red flashing light means I need to get my engine checked? You think I need a new air filter? Perhaps some sort of fluid change? I’ll take my chances.
This is a doozy. It’s now becoming a real issue of contention in my life that I do not yet have kids..or really want them for that matter. I mean shit, I eat my meals from a giant plastic bowl and do Crossfit for 3 hours a day. How on earth will I keep a child alive? I don’t even know which is the gas pedal and which is the brake for the love of god!!!!
I mean, I guess if those teen moms from MTV can keep a kid alive, maybe I can too? Maybe I need to pitch a new TV series to doctor Drew. “Adult Moms who can’t Adult”….that’s not very catchy. But, I still think the show could work. People would feel sorry for me and my inability to do life, they would sympathize with my situation— just raising my poor children on jars of peanut butter and feeding them milk from a shaker cup. I think I am onto something good here, this is pure gold.
To summarize….adulting is hard. When you have kids and you are a grown ass human, you can’t just get up and go to a Kesha concert whenever you want, even if you already got feathers in yo hair. #teenmom #imalmost30 #butstillfeellikeateen
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