When it comes to laziness, I might just be the G.O.A.T.
“Pick up your bag you lazy sack of shit.” – This was an actual comment made to me when I was dragging my gym bag across the floor. Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and immediately start looking forward to getting back into bed at night? Because same.
You know those people who bounce out of bed full of energy, with a pep in their step, a smile on their face, and a zest for life? Ya, fuck those people. I feel that those people aren’t my niche, if you’re reading this, you’re my people.
So here I am, writing a list of everything in life that exhausts me. I’m not proud of this list, but they say humility breeds authenticity and authenticity builds trust. So in the name of authenticity, I’m exposing the truth of what it means to truly embrace the sandbagger life.
Without further ado, here is my list of exhausting things:
Carrying my gym bag. It’s too heavy and it makes me walk with a limp. No I’m not injured, and no I do not have a wooden leg, I just walk dis way OK.
Waking up. I wake my ass up at 5:00 am every morning and you know what, quite frankly it’s exhausting.
Working. Like honestly, who invented this system. I work 6-7 days a week, do you know why? Because I’m a god damn single lady just trying to survive in a city where housing costs about $1000/square foot. This world is not made for single people.
Manual labour of any kind. I once had a job painting things, and weed whacking—by I had a job, I mean my dad had a job and somehow I’m the one who received the paycheque. God bless dads. Let’s just say, manual labour is not for me.
Putting lids on things. Yes, you read that correctly, if a lid does not go on perfectly in one try, it’s going back on the shelf with a fucked-up half-open lid. I LITERALLY boobie trap myself on the daily. If you only knew how many messes I have had to clean up due to complete and utter laziness.
Making small talk. Are you kidding me with this shit? With all due respect sir, I would rather not talk about the weather today.
Social activities. I mean, I mostly just don’t participate in these because they happen after my bedtime.
Showering. I know I need to shower, I enjoy feeling clean…but getting undressed, getting wet, getting momentarily cold, ruining my hair, getting dry again, catching a glimpse of my pale doughy physique in the mirror…I’d rather not.
Hiking. I’m not sure who needs to hear this, but hiking is just walking uphill. The word hike by definition just means a long walk, so I’m not sure when and how it got twisted. Either way, I will partake in hikes only for the mere fact that it checks a lot of boxes: quality time with friends, exercise, time spent in nature, possible cool view.
But to be honest, I would rather be napping.
Pretending that I’m not still hungry. It’s a lot of effort to pretend that after I finish a meal I’m not immediately thinking about my next meal. This probably isn’t the most healthy mindset, but what can I say, I like to eat. #girlswhoeat
Trying to be slender. I’ve mostly given up on this because it’s too much work and far too exhausting. Having abs requires a lot of exercise, a lot of time consumed with thinking about food and prepping food, a lot of social anxiety, a lot of skipping out on eating delicious things, a lot less flexibility, and to be honest, it’s just not worth it.
Taking out the recycling. Ok, hear me out. I’m 100% all-in on recycling, but who the fuck decided to make the blue recycling boxes so small. We’re supposed to recycle, and yet, these boxes are overflowing within a few days time. Then, I have to balance an overflowing box of goods up my mountain of a driveway with shit falling everywhere, only to have my sorting scrutinized by the recycling officer who decides whether or not it’s adequate for pick-up.
Trying to look presentable. How on earth do some girls look so good ALL THE DAMN TIME. I already spend what feels like an eternity just trying to make myself look even marginally presentable to the world. Girls with fake lashes who put natural-looking beachy waves in their hair on the daily, you da real MVP.
Housework. Cook, clean, do laundry, clean some more. I don’t even have children and it feels as though the cleaning never ends. With the amount of hair that can be found on my bathroom floor, it’s honestly remarkable that I still have any left on my head. Maybe I should learn to weave and sell wigs…nah, sounds exhausting.
Staying current. Current affairs, current events, current trends, politics, fashion, new slang, new apps, new research, new shows on Netflix…I can’t keep up! This is why old people get out of touch, it’s all just too much.
Dating. I don’t feel as though this needs further explanation. Remember back to a time when you were single, now imagine having to do that as a sober adult, using the apps, and living in constant fear of being either catfished for murdered.
All other adult things. Paying bills, doing taxes, investing, planning for the future, volunteering, being a global citizen, thinking about kids, having kids, taking care of kids, taking vitamins, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, reducing stress…honestly, I could go on all day.
To summarize, anything outside of sleeping exhausts me.
In the words of one of my dearest and equally as exhausted friends “sometimes I wish I could just lie in a casket, close my eyes, and rest for a while,” – Erika Reiser.