Lifestyle, Humour, Health & Mindset

INSALTED

INSALTED

I know what you’re thinking, Kelley you spelled insulted wrong. You are in fact correct about the spelling error, but I’m not talking about insults in the traditional sense, I’m talking about the accidental kind when someone makes a salty ass comment that is unintentionally offensive. Now coined an INSALT©.

The other day, I was doing snatches in a workout and the coach asked: “Kelley, are you doing tempo snatches?” to which I responded, “nope, this is legitimately my full speed.” Wamp wamp.

Fact #1: She did not intend to insult me.

Fact #2: I am trash, and the worlds most unexplosive, unpowerful human to ever walk planet earth.

But the reality is, if I was easily offended, or unable to laugh at my own expense, this potentially could have upset me. It got me thinking about how often we receive or give backhanded insults.

I’m just as guilty as the next person for making remarks that I can’t take back, but I have compiled a few of the salty comments that I most often receive.

Are you tired, you look tired?

First off, yes I’m fucking tired. Second, thanks for letting me know that I look god damn tired.

As if I’m not already aware of the giant bags under my saggy-ass tired eyes, now I’m aware that YOU are aware of said bags. If you see someone who looks tired, they probably are. Maybe instead of commenting on how tired they look, try saying, you SEEM tired and you’re not quite yourself today, what’s up?

Please don’t tell people they look tired, mmmmk.

Are you sick?

Similar to the aforementioned, but much worse.

One day for whatever reason I forgot to wear mascara to work…the first three people who saw me that day legitimately asked if I was sick. Ummm, no I’m not fucking sick, this is my real face. My real life human face looks as if I have influenza, perfect.

This is why I don’t leave the house without make-up, I’m essentially Charlize Theron in Monster. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ask someone if they are sick unless symptoms are both audible and visible.

What’s wrong?

Apparently I just walk around looking as if something is always wrong. I blame it on sensitive eyes, a resting bitch face, and the fact that I’m a mouth breather. Having this rare combination of physical attributes is a real treat that only a handful of people get to experience in life, I count my lucky stars everyday.

You know what’s not cool though…when your physiotherapist sends you memes about what your face looks like.

If you see someone who looks genuinely upset, be gentle about how you ask what’s up, it might just be their face.

You’re a beast.

I’m not sure about you, but when I think ‘beast’ I’m imaging a monstrous hairy wild creature that lives in a forest or a swamp.

Remember the movie Beauty and the Beast, about a hideous exiled character who was only accepted by society once he turned into a handsome prince. Please tell me why in the actual fuck you thought I would like to be referred to as a beast?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand in many cases, especially in sports, being referred to as a ‘beast’ is usually intended as a compliment. But I can think of about 100 other adjectives that don’t also describe a revolting swamp creature, try a different word please.

Did you mean to….

Did you mean for your knees to cave in during that clean and jerk?

Did you mean for your back to round like that standing up from your squat?

Did you mean for your eyebrows to be so dark?

Did you mean to put beef in your trifle?

Yo, OF COURSE FUCKING NOT. And since you obviously know I did not mean to do any of these things, I can only conclude that you are being a condescending jackass.

Hot tip, don’t ever start a sentence with “did you mean to”…because I’m going to tell you right now, that person did not in fact mean to.

You look great for your age.

You look great. End of sentence.

When you say “you look great for your age,” you are implying that that person is old, and should look shitty. When you say “you look great for just having a baby,” you are implying that this person only looks good for someone who just went through extreme trauma and birthed a human.

Anytime that you think about adding a clause to a compliment, stop yourself right there.

Although well intentioned, these types of compliments are just not acceptable, just say you look great and stop while you’re ahead.

At the end of the day, most of these insults were not in fact meant to be insults and likely came from a place of genuine concern. We’ve all received or given backhanded insults (in’salts’) and it can be hard to change our vernacular. BUT, next time you compliment someone or tell someone they look tired…maybe think twice about your turn of phrase.



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