It’s the winter, it’s cold as fuck, it’s dark all the god damn time and all you really want to do is curl up on the couch, sip on a warm eggnog latté, Netflix and chill. But, like seriously watch Netflix and chill, not the other variety because it’s too cold, you’re too lazy and you just drank an eggnog latté which has you feeling like ol’ St. Nick after a night out on Christmas town.
Unless you are a winter sport enthusiast, winter in Canada is the legit worst.
In the winter I ask myself daily why in the actual fuck I live in the coldest place on planet earth, by choice. I literally have the ability to live anywhere in the world that I want, and yet, I choose to live somewhere that I have to start my car 20 minutes before leaving the house and hold onto my steering wheel for dear life, praying my terrible winter driving skills combined with my horrendous lack of night vision will get me to my destination.
(Disclaimer: since writing this post last winter, I have made the very intelligent life choice to move to a less cold AF climate. NO SNOW!!!!)
The worst part about winter is that, unlike the long, hot, summer days – winter days are short, our bodies are rigid and stiff and we are surrounded by temptations, terrible life choices and regret.
Sooo much regret for those buttery shortbread cookies that have made strict handstand push-ups a seemingly impossible task. Oh wait…these were already impossible, and now I’m obese and they are even more impossible.
With all that being said, here are some of my best tips for surviving the cold winter months and the holiday season as it fast approaches. Also, I realize that when I post GIF filled articles my readership skyrockets, so enjoy, my lazy GIF loving friends.
How to win winter
Skip the gym
If you really want to feel lethargic and slow this holiday season, DO NOT EXERCISE.
When it’s cold and dark at the end of a long, lazy, monotonous workday, the best thing to do is just get in your car and drive home. Working out will just make you feel energized, reduce stress and increase your mood. The holiday season is about being stressed and lazing around in your sheepskin robe, we wouldn’t want to ruin that by increasing those endorphin’s with exercise.
It’s even more likely that you will be enticed to hit the gym if you have a workout partner, or are a part of a group that might hold you accountable. Accountability is a real bummer, I would caution you to stay far far away from anyone that might influence you to get your fitness on.
Eat all the treats
Tis the season to eat alllll the treats.
If you try to avoid them they will find you. Holiday treats are everywhere and I say take this opportunity to hit the gain train hard.
Eating a shit ton of sugar can have drastic effects on your hormones, the brain, your blood sugar and your metabolism among many others things. If you want a reason to just hang around the house feeling exhausted and dopey, this is it! Make sure to hit those food groups and don’t skimp out – candy, candy corn, candy canes and maple syrup!
Nothing, and I mean nothing, good comes from spending time outdoors….especially in the winter time. Vitamin D, fresh air, endorphin’s, 100% fuck no.
Did you know that studies show getting outdoors can significantly decrease levels of depression and feelings of stress, while simultaneously improving immunity, cognition and mood.
I say no way Jose! The risk of slipping on a small patch of ice, getting hit in the retina by a snowball or contracting frostbite is far too great. Snowboarding = dangerous, snowshoeing = too much work, cross-country skiing = too boring, hiking = too cold, running = too slippery, skating = who even owns skates? So, that is that really. #saynotosnow
Attend all the parties
Party party party, yea yea yea. Vodka vodka vodka, yea yea yea.
If you want to get really fat and feel really bomb, it’s best to attend allllll the holiday parties. Two in one night, not a problem, hit em both up. I suggest starting with the more easy going crowd and moving to the more rowdy bunch later in the evening. Since there is such a variety of holiday beverages available this time of year, I suggest you mix and match, making sure to try everything from coffee and baileys, to rum and eggnog, throw in some champagne showers and finish the night off with some sink shots. Not sure what a sink shot is….well, you have never partied with Kpups 😉
It’s that time of year, you really just have to get it’
You know what those red cups mean??? They mean that the new holiday obesity menu is up at Starbucks.
Hot eggnog cut with homo milk (aka “the best milk”), sugar and whip cream…..can you say gainz. How about a tasty froth up of warm apple juice, caramel sauce, some more sugar, spice and you guessed it, whip cream!!! And lets not forget that milky sweet cup of heavenly pumpkin flavoured sugary deliciousness, the ol’ basic we like to call the pumpkin spice latté.
These tasty holiday faves are only available once a year so you better not miss the opportunity to snuggle up and down a red cup full of your failed hopes and dreams before winter comes to pass.
Supplements in the winter time are a poor excuse for a sub par attempt to remain coherent.
Things you will want to avoid in the winter as to remain tired, cold and unmotivated include:
Vitamin D – Because we lack sun exposure in the winter, vitamin D will only boost our mood, helping to fight wintertime depression and aid in immunity. Sounds silly.
Fish or Cod Liver Oil – Is high in natural vitamin A and D as well as EPA and DHA. It will reduce that inflammation we have been causing with all that sugar, booze and lack of exercise…which is exactly what we don’t want to happen.
Zinc – Zinc is an immunity buster, killing off invaders and producing white blood cells. If you are trying to lounge around all day, zinc might even make you feel like moving around. Nah.
B-Complex – This vitamin works to crush stress. Since the holidays can be the most stressful time of year, we want to keep it that way! #sayyestostress
The other day I found a miscelaneous unlabelled pill in my pocket…you know what that means, free drugs weeooo!
Wait it out
Last but certainly not least…new year resolutions. Remember those resolutions you made last year, how’d those turn out?
Shit, my life has taken a drasssssstic left turn since last NYE.
With the new year approaching shockingly fast there is really no point in trying to stay fit, lean and healthy over the holidays. The best thing to do at this point is to just pack it in for the winter, put on your stretchiest unicoloured sweats from Grad 04′, curl up by the fire and enjoy.
Tis the season my fat friends.