I haven’t blogged in a while, my life is outta control busy right now. I know, I know, everyone is busy so that is an absolute garbage excuse. It is however probably why I’m single…or maybe just one of the MANY contributing factors as to why.
I also haven’t made fun of myself for awhile. It’s definitely time for another “adulting” aint easy post, because fuck, adulting is just so hard. But, I thought I would go a different direction and talk about the struggs of the single life.
Here is an exact word for word replication of a conversation I had with my mom the other day:
“Kel, I think you need to move to a new city.” – Mom
“Why is that, I don’t want to move AGAIN? – Me
“Because there are no single men there,” – Mom
“How do you even know this? – Me
“I Googled single men in Victoria and found some sites…all duds. I also read that there are lots of beautiful women there. Not that you aren’t beautiful…but.”
“BUT WHAT?!!” “WTF Mom” “Did you sign up for Tinder or something, what in the actual fuck?” – Me
I realize my mom is only trying to look out for me, and rightfully so. She is worried that I will just end up some weird lonely old lady sitting on my floor watching re-runs of Ellen and petting my carpet. I say carpet because I am too irresponsible to be single and have a pet. (I also just realized that may have sounded real dirty, it wasn’t meant to, but now I am laughing so I am not going to delete it).
Here is the thing, I have never really been single in my life…like ever. Which is really weird to me because I think of myself as an independent women.
But turns out, as much as I love to be independent, I’ve also been extremely dependent for as long as I can remember, and because of that I’m pretty fucking useless at basically everything in life, it’s actually shocking I have made it this far.
For the last 9 months I have come to realize that this god damn world was not made for single people, it’s a hard knock life out there, no wonder little orphan Annie found herself a Daddy Warbucks. *Currently taking applications for my very own Daddy W.*
Here are some things that I have learned living the single AF life:
One day my car just wouldn’t start..my battery was dead. What does one do in such a situation? Or when you casually drive your car into a ditch and get stuck because you’re a MF gangsta—who ya gonna call? No one, you have no one in your life obligated to come rescue you when you crash.
Trucks come in really handy in life, but when you’re single and just own a small car, how in the fuck are you supposed to transport shit?!! Tell me how?
When you are single and sick there is no one to take care of you! I got pneumonia this year and I just lay in bed useless for four days and didn’t leave my home. Sitting in line with a bunch of homeless men and ladies of the night at the walk in clinic was a real sweet addition to the life highlight reel.
The other day I had the saddest realization that if I choked on a piece of meat, I would just die because I have no one to save me. I always seem to be eating way too fast because I’m in a rush or hungry AF (I know, rest and digest blah blah), but the chances of me choking on a jagged piece of Kale is like, real high. #ReggieMillerstyle
5. Secondary benefits.
Speaking of death, I’m dying a slow death of paying for all my extended health bills that are not covered because I burned through my own benefits in the first week of January. I’ve started pimping out my nutrition services to help offset my injury rehab.
You need tools to fix broken things. I don’t own tools, and if I did own them I wouldn’t know how to use them. I mean, I can use a hammer—I built a mean tree fort back in my time. Fuck, why am I single, I can literally build a tree fort?!
7. Sun burns.
Guess what? When you get a sunburn on your back, you just have to live with it. There is no one to rub lotion on you, you’re just stuck trying to get your shitty inflexible glass shoulders to reach far enough behind your back to MAYBE get a little lube on that burn.
8. Sports knowledge.
Living alone has meant my sports knowledge has really plummeted. I used to know all the latest sports news, and have to sit through hours on end of basketball, football, and whatever else, and legit have discussions about fantasy sports leagues. RIP sports knowledge.
9. Toilet paper.
I have to buy my own toilet paper now. The good news is…boys use all the TP, (hence why I always refused to buy it), so it lasts forever. The bad news is, I hate carrying toilet paper because it gets in the way of all the food I want to buy and eat. Under no circumstances will I make two trips from the car to my house with my groceries.
10. Meeting new people.
Last but certainly not least and perhaps the absolute worst part about being single, is having to meet new people. Like, where in the actual fuck do grown adults meet new people? The internet…don’t make me do it. I don’t even like meeting new people IRL, let alone meeting strangers off the internet.
I’m not a teenager anymore. I rarely drink, I don’t go to bars, I’m old as fuck…these things don’t lend well to attracting eligible bachelors. Maybe I need to add treehouse building to my Tinder prof., that would likely do the trick.
That’s all I’ve got for today, stay tuned for my next post which will have some legitimate useful content – it’s titled ‘Cocaine Wednesdays’, are you excited?