I fucking hate being shitty.
Now hear me out. I bet you are thinking, ya okay captain obvious, everyone hates being shitty. It sucks, clearly no one strives to be shitty.
This is a fair assessment, but I HATE being shitty (at things I care about) SO MUCH that it makes me an actual crazy person. The kind of person no one wants to be around because I’m actually fucking scary. The kind of person that will throw a parallette against a wall when I can’t do a parallette hspu and smash it, or throw their weight-lifting belt accross a room, or throw a fucking shoe at a teammate’s head or perhaps punch a small child. Like…Kristin Wiig in bridesmaids is a frighteningly accurate depiction of my behavior when i’m furstrated with myself.
But let me be clear, I’m not angry at anyone else but myself. When I don’t want to hug you after a shitty workout, i’m not mad at you, i’m mad at myself. When I don’t want to talk, laugh or joke around immediately after shit goes south…it’s really not about you, so please please don’t take offence. You’re best bet is to steer clear until I calm the fuck down.
Lucky for me I married a human being that A. is the exact same way and B. is extremely patient.
At work, we recently took a “strength finder” test, and it laid out our strengths.
“Competition” was one of my top-5 strengths and out of 24 people in my department, I was the only one with this unique strength. But is it truely a strength, or a dissability?
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Competition is rooted in comparison. When you look at the world, you are instinctively aware of other people’s performance. Their performance is the ultimate yardstick. No matter how hard you tried, no matter how worthy your intentions, if you reached your goal but did not reach your ideals for perfection, the achievement feels hollow. You seek perfection. You need to compare. You like measurement because it facilitates comparisons. You like other competitors because they invigorate you. Although you are gracious to your fellow competitors and even stoic in defeat, you don’t compete for the fun of competing. You compete to win. Over time you will come to avoid contests where winning seems unlikely.
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The world of social media and perfectly curated content is a nightmare for someone like me, and others who suffer from this same unhealthy level of competitive perfectionism. Ignorance is no longer an option and we now have access to compare ourselves to our peers anywhere in the world, any time of day, 24 hours a day.
So, where am I going with this?
Normally I would post a pep talk or some tips for mitigating this problem. But the truth is, after 30-years on this earth, I’m probably not going to change a whole lot. Social media is only growing and will continue to perpetuate comparison. BUT, I beleive it’s an opportunity.
No one thought the four-minute mile could be broken until it was, and then everyone was running a four minute mile (not me though, for fuck sakes). Comparison shows us what is possible and drives us to achieve things we had never even fathomed.
So, perhaps I could manage my outward emotions better, but being competitive is part of who I am and i’m going to own it. It’s what drives me to be better and I truly beleive it is a strength. (Just don’t play a board game with me or it’s very likely you will get smashed in the face by a small object if I lose.)
So, if you are like me and your competitive nature leads you to be a crazy fucking lunatic…own that shit.
Whatever your strengths are, own them. #foodforthought #ownyourshit