“I don’t understand, are the only options out there guys in baggy dad-jeans wearing white Oakleys and bent rimmed hats?” – Kate
“Yes, that is literally all that is left.” – Me.
If you are single and reading this, I can rest assured that you will relate to everything I’m about to share. I could be wrong, maybe things are better in the non-geriatric dating demographic, but in my experience, after 30, things take a sharp and dirty turn for the worse.
I’m no dating expert, nor am I an expert in anything for that matter, but my superpower is speaking my mind and saying what other people are thinking. (I’m choosing to see this as a superpower)
If you are in a relationship, then trust me when I tell you that the grass is not greener. In fact, the grass is fucking brown and dried up, it hasn’t been watered in years, it’s overgrown with weeds and it still wears a puka shelled necklace and goes by the name of Chad.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be the cream of the crop by any means, there are plenty of reasons for my current relationship status. Although, I’m 90% certain it’s because of the amount of human hair I leave on the bathroom floor daily, or my resemblance to ET.
I assume that just like how I am not into dudes rocking hiking boots as casual footwear, and sporting a wallet chain, there are plenty of guys uninterested in a woman whose best skills are limited to: making giant salads, exercising, telling people how to eat healthy, working 6-7 days a week, and then writing about it, all while wearing black, and only black.
As a single gal, here are some things I hear on the reg:
“I don’t understand how you’re still single…”
“It’ll happen when you least expect it, I promise.”
“Have you tried the apps?”
“It’s good that you’re taking time to focus on yourself.”
“You’re in round two…just waiting for the hot divorcés now.”
Well folks, I’ve compiled some of my thoughts in hopes that it will prove helpful for those wallowing…I mean, following, in my single footsteps.
As the forever 13th wheel to my group of friends, I’m becoming an expert in the field and this is what I’ve learned:
Remember that saying…don’t hate the player hate the game. Well, I do hate the game, and the player, but let’s be clear, dating is not and should not be a game.
Listen Linda, I don’t have time for games…not Monopoly, not Candyland, not Risk, and I sure AF don’t have time for some dude’s childish game of Trivial Pursuit Jr. I don’t give a fuck about the chase, and I’m not going to make someone chase me either. You either like me or you don’t, but there is no need to dance around pushing boundaries and trying to make each other jealous. Grow up…games are for children and weird men playing Magic Cards in the basement.
Deal breakers have since been upgraded and we’re playing in the big leagues now.
Dating in your 30’s is completely different than dating in your 20’s. At this stage in life you jump to the heavy stuff fast and furious because time is of the essence (or at least it feels that way).
Things that I thought that mattered, that don’t really matter: money, status, relationship history, looks, and so much more.(Although, I’d prefer if they had a job).
Things that actually matter: values, belly laughs, mutual respect, common interests, shared goals and a willingness to bury a body together. Oh, and decent grammar…FYI, “I seen you went to the gym today” is not a sentence.
THE BLUNT LIFE
“I’m not interested.”
It’s ok just to tell someone that you’re not interested, it gets the point across real quick and rips the bandaid off.
I’ve found that dancing around how I truly feel in order to preserve someone’s feelings only prolongs the inevitable. It may seem savage, but if the vibe’s not right it’s best to just tell it like it is.
In my experience, ghosting doesn’t work…these dudes are like MF Haley Joel Osmond.
IT GOES DOWN IN THE DM’S
I wish it went down in the DM’s, that would save me so much time and energy. You know what goes down in my DM’s…absolutely nothing. Maybe I need to post more booty pics..and by more, I mean, a booty pic.
I once got a Facebook wave though. I didn’t know that was a thing, but it is.
Turns out being a strong independent woman isn’t a selling feature.
Apparently being independent and driven is a masculine energy, and although lots of people say they like this quality…it takes a confident and secure person to be ok with someone who is highly independent and completely self-sufficient. Humans want to feel needed…and when you are a strong independent women who doesn’t really NEED anything, I think it can work against you.
Lets be clear, everyone needs something…it just might not always be obvious.
OTHER RED FLAGS
Aside from the VERY obvious red flags like being an alcoholic, a liar, a cheater, a racist, a sociopath or a narcissist…here are a handful of other treats (yes I meant treats) that I have encountered, and that you should watch out for:
- They are overly judgemental, and dislike everything and everyone.
- They need a mom and not a girlfriend (No, I don’t want to buy your toilet paper, but I will. OH, you don’t like my choice in TP? Cool.)
- They are all about themselves, and only themselves.
- They are shitty at communicating. If you text me and throw your phone in the ocean immediately after…dis isn’t going to work.
- They want to move to the prairies and live the small town farm life.
- They legitimately wear a thick neck chain.
- They make you watch strange Japanese combat movies without asking.
- They are vegan.
- They dislike coffee.
- Things may appear smaller in real life than in photos. #heightmatters
Dating as an adult certainly has it’s challenges. But for anyone who is going through the same life struggles, you are not alone and hopefully this list of tips will provide some insight, or at least comic relief. 😉
I’m honestly lucky to say that I haven’t had any truly horrendous experiences like a few of my other single compadres. There has been a list of interesting characters, a glass eye and a deaf ear, but mostly all very nice…just, not for me.
For now, I will remain the 13th wheel.