I’ve been wanting to get back into blogging more but I’ve been struggling with motivation for a while now. Since my blog doesn’t really appeal to a niche market, and because it’s basically a blog about nothing (a Seinfeld blog as I like to call it), I struggle pretty hard with writer’s block.
But now, since the entire world is basically on lockdown and we’re unable to partake in social activities or outings, I’ve found myself with some extra time on my hands.
Sure, I could put my nutrition knowledge to good use and give people tips and tricks about how to stay on track during quarantine, but quite honestly, I’m bored with that and there are plenty of resources on the internet already. I don’t think anyone is short on home-workout or recipe ideas.
So, in case you fucking missed it #ICYFMI, there is a global pandemic happening right now. Yes, GLOBAL, that means you too USA. Unlike what your president eluded to a few weeks ago, this is not, in fact, a hoax.
Quite honestly, my blood is boiling over how stupid the human population is being. However, I think my readership is way above average on the stupidity scale, so we’re good here. I will also admit that just a week ago now, I too was acting recklessly. I wasn’t keeping proper social distance, I walked with friends in relatively close proximity, and I went to a crowded park where teams were still practising and the rules of isolation seemed irrelevant. But at this point, if you haven’t yet got the memo, I think you’re fair game for public scrutiny.
I’m calling this series, why you so dumb, dedicated to all the humans’ out there who seemingly believe:
A. They are more important than the rest of the world’s population.
B. They are not at risk and therefore can do whatever the fuck they want.
C. This is a conspiracy and or a hoax.
D. This is not that serious and it’s not a big deal.
Why you so dumb people stocking up on toilet paper?
Not to beat a dead horse, but honest to god, wtf is with people hoarding toilet paper? Why on earth is this the first thing that people went for? Of all the things in this world that I’m afraid of running out of, tp doesn’t even crack the top 10.
I can think of a million things that can sub for toilet paper…newspaper, socks, coffee filters, face cloths, towels, a shower, a garden hose, a glass of water, a rock, a leaf!! Have you ever wiped with a maple leaf, I’m telling you, those leaves could honestly give Purex a run for its money. At least that’s what my friend told me.
Why you so dumb spring breakers, bar-goers, and party throwers?
I literally can’t even with these people. Things that don’t matter during a global pandemic: getting drunk, grinding strangers, getting lit on a beach in Miami, doing body shots, doing beach pyramids, and dancing to live DJ’s. We get it, you only turn 21 once, but you will definitely only turn 21 once if you die from the fucking Rona.
Maybe someone should let these people know that they can get drunk in the comfort of their own homes and simultaneously be a national hero.
Why you so dumb groups of people playing sports at the park, v-ball at the beach, or letting your kids hit the playground with friends?
FYI, this is not the time for a friendly game of shirts vs skins at the local b-ball court.
Do you remember those little shits in elementary school that didn’t follow the rules and thus we all lost our privileges…THESE ARE THOSE KIDS. Those assholes grew into adults and this is them. This is why we can’t have nice things!!!
Did the Rona really come from bats, or was it from gross shirtless white men playing rat ball.
Why you so dumb people who are still having social gatherings?
You know what, this sucks for all of us, you are not special. ICYFMI, our social life is on the internet for the foreseeable future, adapt or die.
Why you so dumb people who are still meeting on Tinder and going on dates with strangers?
You might be thinking…no way, people aren’t still doing this, they can’t be?! Oh but they are, people really truly are still meeting up with internet strangers during an outbreak. As if online dating is not already the sketchiest shit on planet earth, let’s throw in a novel virus and play a little Russian roulette to up the ante.
Here’s a real Tinder flex—increase your age limit, match with someone during isolation, make them fall in love with you, score yourself a Peloton, ghost. You’re welcome.
Why you so dumb people who don’t understand the 6-foot rule?
Yo, I’m about to start carrying a MF harpoon with me. Get within 6-feet and I’m gonna skewer your dumb ass. Youth and immunity are no match for a harpoon. (Honestly, what even is a harpoon? I just thought it sounded neat). All I’m saying is, keep your distance.
Why you so dumb people who think this is a hoax or a conspiracy?
I’m no scientist, but I’m quite certain that a worldwide state of emergency, half a million sick people, health care systems collapsing, and a tanked global economy is not a hoax.
The same people who think this is a hoax are the same people who think the earth is flat, who voted a Cheeto into office, who believe climate change isn’t real, who don’t vaccinate their children, who think chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and who will be the demise of the human race.
If I were a fiction writer I don’t even think my imagination could dream up people on this level.
Here’s the thing, while I’m trying to bring some humour to a very stressful time, there is some truth to what I’m saying here.
Please be smart. Please practice social distancing. Please stay home as much as possible. Please realize the gravity of this situation and do your part.
Distance high fives only from now until forever.